Make Friends or Suck It Up

1. Church is about sublime truths and ineffable encounters with God.
2. Church is about making friends and cultivating social circles.

This bi-modal reality of church life is highlighted in the book of Romans. The book is regarded by many to be the most sophisticated systematic exposition of theology in the Bible. It begins with Paul’s affirmation of his call as an apostle and ends with the peroration, “Now to him who is able to establish you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but now revealed through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him–to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ.”

But not all of the book is so “high-flown.” Chapter 16 is comprised largely of Paul’s personal greetings to relatives and acquaintances. It even includes a personal note from Paul’s scribe to the good people in Rome.

Several things jump out from Paul’s list.

First, he sees many of the people in groups. “Greet Priscilla and Aquila . . . and the church that meets in their home.” “Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas and all the saints with them.” The church in Rome was not “one big happy family.” It was a collection of families and affinity groups.

Second, Paul’s “church circle” included a substantial number of relatives. “Greet Andronicus and Junias, my relatives who have been in prison with me.” “Greet Herodian my relative.” “Lucius, Jason and Sosipater, my relatives, send their greetings.”

Third, Paul had special friends. “Greet Rufus and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.”

Fourth, women played a major role in Paul’s church, “I commend to you Phoebe our sister, a servant of the church in Cenchrea . . . she has been a great help to many people, including me.” “Greet Truphena and Tryphosa, those women who work hard in the Lord.

Fifth, people who were leaders outside the church were leaders inside the church. “Erastus, who is the city’s director of public works, and our brother Quartus send you their greetings.”

What lessons do I take from this for our life together as a church?

Once a church has more than a dozen or so attending it will be characterized by “insiders” and “outsiders” unless the members form smaller circles of friends within the larger congregation. These friendships are “real” only if they bring people together outside of church on Sabbath morning.

It is normal for church circles, friendship circles and family circles to overlap. It is not “unspiritual” to find your closest friends among people with whom you share social affinities like education, recreational interest, blood relationship, mission interest, political leanings.

Unless you actively cultivate special friendships with a few people in your congregation you can expect to be disappointed by the “care” you receive from the congregation. One hundred people are not going to notice if you quit attending, get sick, die or have a baby. Four or five friends will notice and care.

The leadership core of your church is not going to notice if you get sick, go on vacation, get discouraged, are dumped by your spouse, are fired or drop out of school. They are not bad people. They are not selfish or snobs. It is simply not likely the seven to ten “key leaders” in your congregation will notice all of the significant happenings in the lives of the 180 members of the church (a third of whom are absent any given Sabbath).

If you are not part of a small, close circle of friends, you are going to be overlooked some time. Count on it.

So what to do? Come to church for the worship and don’t expect quality social interaction. Or make friends, real friends, with other people at church–people who are not already in the “leadership core.” (These leaders already have more friends than they know what to do with. They don’t need you.) Your relationships with real friends will enrich your worship experience and will change the “fellowship of the saints” from a merely theoretical religious notion into an experiential reality.

Making friends often requires you to be intentional. Ask some one to join you for dinner, a hike, a service project. If you have a good time, ask them again. And again. And again. If you wait for someone else to ask you, don’t complain if you have to wait a long time.

Do something to improve the quality of your church. Make friends.